"Just Here"
So, I am sitting here on a wonderful Sunday wondering what I should be doing. It is a tad too hot to to ride and I am waiting for my parents to return from their two week trip from Kaui.
I have been in this rut lately. I was blaming it on the heat, but upon further examination, I think it is just ME. I have been so down and my family has been telling me that I am "depressed". That just pisses me off. I have always been one to peg "depression" as a mental state that one has the ability to change. Of course, I do believe in the severe depression of chemical imbalances and such. But, could something like that happen to me? Never. Or so I thought. I hate and love this season. I love the weather and possibilties of sunshine and swimming pools. But this season also has a deadly undertow. It is now that my husband seems to fade away. I usually spend a lot of time with my friends (whom are single) and pretty soon I start thinking I am too. Out of the summer months I usually get 5PM until bedtime on Mondays with Jay and that is it. No weekends, no mornings and no nightimes. It is hard. And, the past two years have been tougher than normal. I am always ready to go ride, shop, and there has never been a time I would turn down a good meal out. Now, all I want to do is veg out. I have lost about 10 lbs in 2 weeks (which is not intentional) and I don't even want to eat even if I am hungry. The weight loss is probably the best thing although it is not necessarily healthy. I don't want to talk to anybody and at work all I want to do is drone out life by working. It is not even the working I enjoy, it is the crappy repetitive stuff, like researching phone numbers. Granted, my job is nothing special, but I can usally take pride in negotions of an angry sponsor. I have no desire to do anything. Lately I have been feeling like I am "just here". Almost like I was thrown onto a boardgame just so people could watch me squirm. Since I have been housesitting I have done nothing else but just be here. Usually I will take advantage of their hot tub nightly along with a party or two to utilize their pool table, foosball table, and theater room. (It is like a mansion here!) The past two weeks I have utilized their couch and a few boxes of tissues.
So, here I sit pouring out my feelings to cyberspace to those I do not even know. I hope you all have had some humor about something here today. Usually I try to post things of entertainment, but there was no hope for one of those today. At what point do you force yourself to go out? And force yourself to eat? It is a mystery to me. All I know is that right now I am enjoying being alone and typing away on this giganto monitor that is as big as a TV sceen. The joys of money, huh?
Since I have some more time to kill I think I am going to do another post to get some stuff off my head. Thanks for being here. If you like me enough to worry about me, please don't. I will be okay. I always am...
I have been in this rut lately. I was blaming it on the heat, but upon further examination, I think it is just ME. I have been so down and my family has been telling me that I am "depressed". That just pisses me off. I have always been one to peg "depression" as a mental state that one has the ability to change. Of course, I do believe in the severe depression of chemical imbalances and such. But, could something like that happen to me? Never. Or so I thought. I hate and love this season. I love the weather and possibilties of sunshine and swimming pools. But this season also has a deadly undertow. It is now that my husband seems to fade away. I usually spend a lot of time with my friends (whom are single) and pretty soon I start thinking I am too. Out of the summer months I usually get 5PM until bedtime on Mondays with Jay and that is it. No weekends, no mornings and no nightimes. It is hard. And, the past two years have been tougher than normal. I am always ready to go ride, shop, and there has never been a time I would turn down a good meal out. Now, all I want to do is veg out. I have lost about 10 lbs in 2 weeks (which is not intentional) and I don't even want to eat even if I am hungry. The weight loss is probably the best thing although it is not necessarily healthy. I don't want to talk to anybody and at work all I want to do is drone out life by working. It is not even the working I enjoy, it is the crappy repetitive stuff, like researching phone numbers. Granted, my job is nothing special, but I can usally take pride in negotions of an angry sponsor. I have no desire to do anything. Lately I have been feeling like I am "just here". Almost like I was thrown onto a boardgame just so people could watch me squirm. Since I have been housesitting I have done nothing else but just be here. Usually I will take advantage of their hot tub nightly along with a party or two to utilize their pool table, foosball table, and theater room. (It is like a mansion here!) The past two weeks I have utilized their couch and a few boxes of tissues.
So, here I sit pouring out my feelings to cyberspace to those I do not even know. I hope you all have had some humor about something here today. Usually I try to post things of entertainment, but there was no hope for one of those today. At what point do you force yourself to go out? And force yourself to eat? It is a mystery to me. All I know is that right now I am enjoying being alone and typing away on this giganto monitor that is as big as a TV sceen. The joys of money, huh?
Since I have some more time to kill I think I am going to do another post to get some stuff off my head. Thanks for being here. If you like me enough to worry about me, please don't. I will be okay. I always am...
posted by Nic at 12:28 PM
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