A Princess' Middle
After we all went around the table and introduced ourselves, I realized that I was not the only one feeling this way. Incidentally, I ended up at the group with the lovely black woman (her name is Cher) and she was sat right next to me. (We even had place tags so they had complete control of where we sat.) I was with many other lovely ladies, all of which seemed normal and burdened at the same time. Of course, isn’t that why we were all there? To my left sat my table leader, Linda and going to the left was Dana, Kim, Mary Jane, Kim, Cher and I. Linda has got to be one of the strongest ladies I know. She constantly had to urge the group to open up and then deal with our emotions when we did. She was supportive and understanding. She was also a very elegant woman that wore a simple headband and curled the rest of her hair that hung a bit past shoulder length. She wore a light layer of makeup and her blush hade her cheeks a rosy warm color. She is a massage therapist, and you could just see her healthiness radiate through her skin and attitude. I liked her immediately. Dana is a beautiful lady in her mind 40’s that had the butterfly clip in her blonde hair. She always seemed to wear jewelry that flattered her eyes and was very excited about making new friends. In a way she felt like a mom to be right off the bat. Kim had lots of kids (that I lost count of) and short well-kept brown hair that I always admired. She always wore corresponding color clothing and I couldn’t help but smile when she pulled off a lime green outfit during the weekend. She even made it look good. Mary Jane was a petite woman that reminded me of a lady (Named Michelle) who used to baby sit me when I was about 14 when my parents would leave on vacation. She had short blonde hair as well as a wonderful smile. I could tell that she was a chest of burdens that was locked up tighter than most. I thought I would name Kim the most beautiful woman at the table. She had long red hair and pouf curled bangs. She was peppered with freckles and I could tell before she had her 4 boys she had one of “those” figures. When she cried she let the tears run all the way down her neck and on her chest. Since she sported V-neck shirts the whole time, she would dab the tears away when they reached her elegant cross necklace that hung from what I am guessing to be a 16 inch slender gold chain. She had a wonderful sensitive streak as well as a great sense of humor she would pull out at the right time for the whole group. I loved her trendy sweat suit she sported on Saturday and I could imagine her content with doing laundry at home looking comfortable and cheery as well as dressed elegantly for a nice dinner. Cher was one of a kind. She must be about 6 feet tall and weigh (best guess) 130 pounds. I am guessing her waist was not even as big as one of my thighs! She has long reddish-brown hair that was straight and soft. I wondered if it was a hairpiece. I think that would be so cool. You could be a blonde, red-head or fuzzy whenever you wanted to be. No long showers, no wasted conditioner. Anyway, she grew up in Jamaica until she was 17 and is now 38ish. I instantly bonded with her. She looked like she was 28, so maybe that helped. I could tell she was someone I could relate with. When we did our introductions she said she had broken every commandment… I think she was exaggerating, but I felt myself ease under my critical feelings toward myself.
We all introduced ourselves and picked a name for our table. We decided on “Seekers of Closer Encounters” although I think Linda wanted more from us as far as originality. We drew up our table tag and started worship. One of the first songs we sang they said was “from God” and all it included was a verse, “Do you know how I love you so” and it was so moving and wonderful. I suppose it is something we know (that God loves us) but we don’t choose to hear it and feel it very often. Even thinking of the chorus makes me misty-eyed today. After worship, we sat back to hear the 3 hours of testimonies of other table leaders.
From Friday night to Sat at noon we heard more testimonies than I could count. And I would cry. Another testimony and I would cry. I think every lady could relate to every testimony. I mean, I heard everything from abuse, affairs, abortion… you name it, the ladies shared it. I don’t know how they did it. How they got up in front of a bunch of strangers and told us their life story. I was definitely in admiration of them and hoped that someday I could be in their shoes, helping someone with my story. Every time I thought I was done crying, I would cry again. Although I have had a pretty good life, I do have some secrets. I think we ended the session around 11 PM. Mom retreated to the room and I stayed a bit longer. I ended up going to talk to another table leader named Lisa. I was carrying such a burden and a heavy heart. I had buried things and pushed them away as I thought they had gone. She helped my unload everything. I cried and cried and then we talked for about an hour. It felt so good to tell her what I had been burying for so long. I retreated to bed feeling completely exhausted. When I got to the room mom was still awake doing her nightly rituals, which I swear take hours. By the time we got to bed, we talked a little and then had some humor relief. I don’t remember what we laughed about, but we laughed. We probably kept everyone else awake. I didn’t care… after an evening of crying, I needed a laugh – even if it was at everyone else’s expense. I was sure there would be more tears the next day, but I didn’t want to think about that.
On Saturday I awoke to the loud singing of something I had not heard in a long time – “Rise and shine and give God His glory, glory…” They pounded the door until mom opened it and then continued down the hall. I grumbled as I got out of bed and headed for the shower. I have never been a morning person. Once I was showered and ready, we met and had breakfast. It consisted of egg casserole and assorted fruit, cottage cheese and cereals. It was nice. Then we went back upstairs into the meeting room and settled in for more testimonies. We would listen, then journal, then discuss. This went on until noon. At noon we were given lunch and we all prayed for Jay to find a job, which was really special. Then we were give an opportunity (or a command) to partner up with someone and go outside and walk and talk for about a half an hour while they prepped for a “surprise” upstairs. Cher snatched me up instantly and we headed outside. I don’t think outside had ever felt so good. It was chilly, but I didn’t care. We walked up and down the drive, spilling our souls in search of comfort. I told her what I had told Lisa the previous night and she was able to relate with what seemed to be a similar story. There were no tears in sharing my story this time, which was nice. When we came back inside we had a surprise waiting for us. I knew what the surprise was, but it was still very special. It was really cool to watch people’s reaction when they saw the surprise. When we came back into the meeting room, instead of one box of tissues on the table there were two, along with candles and soft music. Then, the workers came around and handed out large manila envelopes to each person. I loved it! Once they realized what was in the letters, they all started to cry. Some even sat and cried looking at the envelope. It was great! Of course, my husband wasn’t too good at contacting friends, so I didn’t have as many as most, but it was still wonderful. I received so much encouragement from it. After about an hour of crying and reading, we dried our eyes and headed downstairs for dinner. Finally, a break from crying! When we arrived downstairs, there was no dinner line open as usual. We sat at our designated table (and yes, those were designated, too) and waited. Dana made a joke that we were going to have to sing for our dinner. Boy was she right. I knew the surprise, but it was so moving! We started singing and then, hark! There were men’s voices behind the curtain (which they told us just had equipment and such). They started the men’s chorus and you should have seen it. It was almost like each woman had a heart attack. Some started to cry, others gasped in admiration. Some women started to sob and had to sit down. After the third song, I was done for. The boys started singing, “Do you know how I love you so” over and over and it was so beautiful and moving. Glancing over at mom, I knew she was feeling the same way. After the music was over, the men were shuffled out and went to dinner together. We continued with our evening, going through the buffet line and enjoying our dinner. Cher was in tears because we didn’t get to see them, just like the rest of the women. It was such an experience. Once again, I knew it was coming… but it didn’t make it any less moving. After dinner we were taken downstairs into the “chapel” area for a meeting. We talked about sin and how we carry it. We discussed our earthly fathers versus our Heavenly Father. We talked about how we are forgiven even though we may not feel like it. Then we were given a little fig leaf representing our sin and were told to write something we feel ashamed about or are still carrying. I was hesitant at that moment. What if my mom saw my leaf? What if we had to get up in front of people and share what was written on my leaf? Hesitantly and discreetly, I jotted on my leaf and shoved it deep into my back pocket.
After the meeting we were again instructed to shift rooms again. I didn’t know how much more I could take. One thing is for sure… I knew I couldn’t cry anymore. I would have never guessed what awaited me upstairs.
We all introduced ourselves and picked a name for our table. We decided on “Seekers of Closer Encounters” although I think Linda wanted more from us as far as originality. We drew up our table tag and started worship. One of the first songs we sang they said was “from God” and all it included was a verse, “Do you know how I love you so” and it was so moving and wonderful. I suppose it is something we know (that God loves us) but we don’t choose to hear it and feel it very often. Even thinking of the chorus makes me misty-eyed today. After worship, we sat back to hear the 3 hours of testimonies of other table leaders.
From Friday night to Sat at noon we heard more testimonies than I could count. And I would cry. Another testimony and I would cry. I think every lady could relate to every testimony. I mean, I heard everything from abuse, affairs, abortion… you name it, the ladies shared it. I don’t know how they did it. How they got up in front of a bunch of strangers and told us their life story. I was definitely in admiration of them and hoped that someday I could be in their shoes, helping someone with my story. Every time I thought I was done crying, I would cry again. Although I have had a pretty good life, I do have some secrets. I think we ended the session around 11 PM. Mom retreated to the room and I stayed a bit longer. I ended up going to talk to another table leader named Lisa. I was carrying such a burden and a heavy heart. I had buried things and pushed them away as I thought they had gone. She helped my unload everything. I cried and cried and then we talked for about an hour. It felt so good to tell her what I had been burying for so long. I retreated to bed feeling completely exhausted. When I got to the room mom was still awake doing her nightly rituals, which I swear take hours. By the time we got to bed, we talked a little and then had some humor relief. I don’t remember what we laughed about, but we laughed. We probably kept everyone else awake. I didn’t care… after an evening of crying, I needed a laugh – even if it was at everyone else’s expense. I was sure there would be more tears the next day, but I didn’t want to think about that.
On Saturday I awoke to the loud singing of something I had not heard in a long time – “Rise and shine and give God His glory, glory…” They pounded the door until mom opened it and then continued down the hall. I grumbled as I got out of bed and headed for the shower. I have never been a morning person. Once I was showered and ready, we met and had breakfast. It consisted of egg casserole and assorted fruit, cottage cheese and cereals. It was nice. Then we went back upstairs into the meeting room and settled in for more testimonies. We would listen, then journal, then discuss. This went on until noon. At noon we were given lunch and we all prayed for Jay to find a job, which was really special. Then we were give an opportunity (or a command) to partner up with someone and go outside and walk and talk for about a half an hour while they prepped for a “surprise” upstairs. Cher snatched me up instantly and we headed outside. I don’t think outside had ever felt so good. It was chilly, but I didn’t care. We walked up and down the drive, spilling our souls in search of comfort. I told her what I had told Lisa the previous night and she was able to relate with what seemed to be a similar story. There were no tears in sharing my story this time, which was nice. When we came back inside we had a surprise waiting for us. I knew what the surprise was, but it was still very special. It was really cool to watch people’s reaction when they saw the surprise. When we came back into the meeting room, instead of one box of tissues on the table there were two, along with candles and soft music. Then, the workers came around and handed out large manila envelopes to each person. I loved it! Once they realized what was in the letters, they all started to cry. Some even sat and cried looking at the envelope. It was great! Of course, my husband wasn’t too good at contacting friends, so I didn’t have as many as most, but it was still wonderful. I received so much encouragement from it. After about an hour of crying and reading, we dried our eyes and headed downstairs for dinner. Finally, a break from crying! When we arrived downstairs, there was no dinner line open as usual. We sat at our designated table (and yes, those were designated, too) and waited. Dana made a joke that we were going to have to sing for our dinner. Boy was she right. I knew the surprise, but it was so moving! We started singing and then, hark! There were men’s voices behind the curtain (which they told us just had equipment and such). They started the men’s chorus and you should have seen it. It was almost like each woman had a heart attack. Some started to cry, others gasped in admiration. Some women started to sob and had to sit down. After the third song, I was done for. The boys started singing, “Do you know how I love you so” over and over and it was so beautiful and moving. Glancing over at mom, I knew she was feeling the same way. After the music was over, the men were shuffled out and went to dinner together. We continued with our evening, going through the buffet line and enjoying our dinner. Cher was in tears because we didn’t get to see them, just like the rest of the women. It was such an experience. Once again, I knew it was coming… but it didn’t make it any less moving. After dinner we were taken downstairs into the “chapel” area for a meeting. We talked about sin and how we carry it. We discussed our earthly fathers versus our Heavenly Father. We talked about how we are forgiven even though we may not feel like it. Then we were given a little fig leaf representing our sin and were told to write something we feel ashamed about or are still carrying. I was hesitant at that moment. What if my mom saw my leaf? What if we had to get up in front of people and share what was written on my leaf? Hesitantly and discreetly, I jotted on my leaf and shoved it deep into my back pocket.
After the meeting we were again instructed to shift rooms again. I didn’t know how much more I could take. One thing is for sure… I knew I couldn’t cry anymore. I would have never guessed what awaited me upstairs.
posted by Nic at 9:15 AM
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